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Tom Cruise, most known for being heterosexual and kidnapping Katie Holmes, was murdered today when a reanimated L. Ron Hubbard bashed him repeatedly over the head with a replica Oscar Cruise had fashioned for himself out of Holmes’s bra wires.
Hubbard publicly justified his actions by suggesting Cruise was a Christ-like figure and he had lived out his destiny. Sources close to Hubbard, however, complained Cruise had twisted Scientology’s teachings by implying it was secret club for repressed homosexuals who wanted their dates assassinated and disposed of immediately after coitus. Some say Cruise was misunderstood, but no, he wasn’t.
Image: photo by Alan Light
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