Russell Howard Quotes – Funniest Jokes

Russell Howard first made his mark on the comedy world when he reached the final of a prestigious new Channel 4 stand-up event at the Edinburgh Festival – aged just 19. Since then, a freewheeling, apparently effortless style, love of improvisation and an ability to go off on a tangent have helped his meteoric rise to comedy’s premier league.

Russell Howard After A GigA panellist on BBC Two’s Mock The Week, he hosts his own BBC Three show Russell Howard’s Good News while also appearing as a regular guest on TV’s Would I Lie to You and Never Mind the Buzzcocks.

  • So my mum bought a jacuzzi, and I was in there along with my father and my sister, when my mother decided it would be the ideal moment to say – ‘Guess what everyone in this jacuzzi has in common? You’ve all sucked on my tits.’
  • From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 – stop humping the toaster!
  • I like the authentic punk dance you did there. It’s like a child dizzy off lemonade
    (from Never Mind The Buzzcocks)

  • I’d love the ability to give someone an orgasm just by touching them
  • Have people always been this angry? I’ve got a funny idea that before the internet people were just writing ‘fuck you’ and attaching it to pidgeons.
  • With Michael Jackson, what I thought was really interesting was the people saying: ‘He looked really well in that final video.’ I was, like: ‘No, he didn’t – he looked like someone had melted goat’s cheese over a sex doll.’
  • If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there’d be headlines of ‘Russell How-hard’ in the newspapers.
  • I’m the munter of my friends. I’ve got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I’m a heart-throb.
  • She’s 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? “SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!”, what do you want a shredder for? “IDENTITY THEFT!!”.
  • The internet, it’s destroyed porn hasn’t it, it’s so depressing if you’re a teenage boy now because you can type in ‘tit’ and you’ve got every image under the sun. When I was a kid the only way you found porn was when it magically arrived in the woods. What a moment that was in your youth!

Catch Russell Live at the Apollo here:

This funny man appears at arenas across the UK in spring 2011, with his largest and most ambitious tour to date. The DVDs Russell Howard Live and Live Dingledoodies are out now. You can also read his good news blog online. Here is a slideshow of DVDs he’s on, click to learn more about them.

Want to see Russell perform live on-stage?

If you do you can see his current available tour dates via the TicketMaster website. Seeing one of his energetic performances will be far better in person then on TV!

Image used is from Flickr, used under Creative Commons License.


Post first published 28 June 2010.
AvatarAbout Author: Chris. I am a full-time writer, blogging on a variety of websites. I love comedy and enjoy posting about it every week.

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51 Comments - Add Yours!
  1. Bronwyn  August 1st, 2010

    Omg im absofrknloutly in love with russell howard. he has to be the best comidian ever.
    His wonky eye and dooflicated teeth just make him too cute.
    cant wait till russell howards good news starts again.
    cant wait to see him in march
    Russell scotland loves yhoo!!!

  2. Sian  August 8th, 2010

    Russell Howoard is the best comedian ive ever seen and he’s most definetly the hottest!!! <3 him!!! Its not good that im only 14 and cant go to his gig in Glasgow :( :(:(

  3. chloe  August 30th, 2010

    im in love with russell howard,
    hes my idol srsly.
    how old do you have to be to go to his show live?<3<3<3

  4. Elli  September 5th, 2010

    Iam in love with russell
    Hes so fit and so funny cant wait for march xxxxxxxxx <3

  5. jaymmaa pepper  September 15th, 2010

    Ahhh love Russell Howard cant wit to go see his tour live in manchester in february :D hes my favourite comedian and he’s just brilliantly funny. His lazy eye makes him unique and its soo cute bless him. cant wait to buy series one of good news on dvd and when the new series comes out end of the year. Russell Joseph Howard we love you! xxxxxxxxx

  6. lauren led!  September 16th, 2010

    MY NAME IS LAUREN AND I LOVE RUSSELL HOWARD- and edwared cullen, yum <3<3<3

  7. shannon  September 28th, 2010

    i love russel howard he is so funny i think he’s so cute and is like my favourite comedian i really want to see his shows. i am like in love with his wit. i love you russel howard!!!!!!!

  8. weheyyyy  November 1st, 2010

    waheyyy you cant go see russell howard in february, how’d ya like dem apples boiii!!

  9. Claire x  November 12th, 2010

    I love Russell Howard he’s sooo funny and cute too i really wanna see him live in sheffield on my birthday next Feb xx

  10. issy  November 16th, 2010

    I second all the above comments. Russell Howard is GORGEOUS!! How can he be on Heat’s weird crush list? I’d love to see him, he’s ridiculously funny too <3 <3 <3

  11. i  November 17th, 2010

    he is da funniest nd cutest comidian ever wish i could go see him. i hope its soon when i get ma drivers license!lol……hes sooooooooooooo funny hehehehe

  12. iloverusselhoward  November 17th, 2010

    he is soo sexy wd love 2 c im

  13. RussellHowardsMineBackOffBiatches  November 18th, 2010

    i love him more than any of yousssssss :D

  14. lozza !!  December 2nd, 2010

    anyone know the quote for when he spoke about panic buyin lol x

  15. Chris  December 2nd, 2010

    @lozza. Do you mean “Screw those who say panic buying is when you go for food and water and blankets- that’s survival instinct. Panic buying is when you say ‘OK, we’re flooded so buy me a Victorian hatstand, a tiger and an apricot!’”

  16. lewis  December 3rd, 2010

    hes so funny he nearly maid me piss my self

  17. lewis  December 3rd, 2010

    hes my comedy hero and i would love to go on the piss with him

  18. caroline  December 11th, 2010

    i think you are very funny and you are very cute, you probely hear this all the time, but my god,….ah y wud u care about me? im just a nobody.

  19. sophielovesruss  December 13th, 2010

    oh my god. I love russell howard so much its untrue. I’m so sad that i watch good news, record it and watch it over and over. he is hilarious. best comedian ever. hes sexy too… god i would! ooft. :P

  20. ILove Russ  December 19th, 2010

    I am totally in love with Russell Howard. there’s just something about Russell

  21. CHLOE  December 23rd, 2010

    I HAVE YOU ON MY WALL AS A GIANT POSTER LOLS I LOVE YOOOOU

  22. K.T  December 24th, 2010

    Russell Howoard, OMG what a funny guy and a legend xx :)
    u got love him !!!!!

  23. ben  December 28th, 2010

    HE SUCKS

  24. poopy faced tomato nose  December 28th, 2010

    hes really funny though

  25. Russell-Howard-Is-A-Pro!  December 30th, 2010

    I love Russell Howard SO much! xD Gotta love his voices and *actions* <3
    I wish i could go watch him on tour, but im too young. :'(
    Russell Howard – Fittest guy on earth xx

  26. Natalie  December 30th, 2010

    Aww I love Russell, he’s amazingly funny. Who cares about his eyes or his teeth, I think he’s brilliant and absolutely gorgeous! :)

  27. Chantelle  January 10th, 2011

    I love Russ so much it’s not possible. He’s so hot I could die! I might be going to see him in March but since I’m only 13 I have to go with my mum…!! Bummer… ;P
    PS: To all the people that THINK their too young to see him, your not, as long as your with an adult you can!!

  28. phoebe  January 16th, 2011

    aaahhhh russel howard rocks i wish i could go to his gigs im only 12 :(
    but russel howard-SO FUNNY

  29. Thorne  January 28th, 2011

    OMG I LOVE RUSSELL HOWARD he is the best i always watch him even the repeats he is amazing i just cant get enough of him !!! <3 i love you Russell Howard :)

  30. mrshoward4lifendbeyond  February 2nd, 2011

    I LOVE RUSSELL HOWARD WUD LOVE 2 C IM LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!
    <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
    I LOVE U

  31. brendan watkis  February 2nd, 2011

    i am seeing 24th of this month can’t wait :v……..

  32. brendan watkis  February 2nd, 2011

    :) :):):):):):):):):) ur the best russell

  33. a.....  February 5th, 2011

    if i dnt gt 2 c him live this year will deffo get his dvd 14th nov 2011!
    love u russell howard! <3<3
    xxxx

  34. ben  February 16th, 2011

    i geuss you made a hippo jizz then???

  35. rebecca  February 16th, 2011

    My god u r soo funny and hot as well! every time I watch u on telly I almost piss myself LOL! :) ;)

  36. Shannon M.D.  February 21st, 2011

    omg i love this blok…i went to see him tonight on his new tour Righht Here Right Now and it was quality. i love him and his lazy eye and may i add…his smile is cute!!!<3

  37. Sophie  March 13th, 2011

    I love Russell, he’s so hilarious :’)
    Me and my friends have made a new Russell Howard Forum. ‘Made by the fans, for the fans!’
    Link: http://www.russellhowardfc.proboards.com
    We discuss everything to do with Russell; His Good News, Mock The Week and his tours!
    Free to join! Come join in the laughter :)

  38. Frazer  March 16th, 2011

    Russell howard’s good news is as good family guy. me and my Friend allways wach it.

  39. patrick  March 18th, 2011

    my friend is frazer.i love you russel your biggest fan.everyon above is a wanna be .You are my role model.

  40. iLoVeRuSsElLx  March 26th, 2011

    OMG Season 4 is amazing – i cant believe on the first episode of your new series you alredy broke something :P

  41. Megan  March 26th, 2011

    I love Russell !! i cannot wait till he comes to aldershot :D x

  42. BADASS  April 12th, 2011

    omg if i could had to pick which cerleb would be my mentour it would be russle he is so F****N FUNNY!

  43. Mrs Howard  April 18th, 2011

    Russell Howard Joke
    Do you know what I’d love to do?
    Buy a horse and call him I’m Having A Nervous Break Down.
    In fact I’d buy all the horses in the race, give them all weird names and make the it sound like the commentator was going mad.
    Wouldn’t that be great?
    They’re coming up to the final furlong, I’m Having A Nervous Break Down ahead of My Wife Left Me Over Pictures On My Laptop, not to mention Theres A Burst Pipe In My Sex Dungeon. Small Fry Considering Last Summer I Bummed A Squirrel towards the rear. Where’s The Rash Come From followed by Strangle Wank, and I Should Be In Therapy cos The Race Hasn’t Even Started.

  44. ebony  May 31st, 2011

    i love russell howard hes amazing!!! i love him! i must have watched the one b4 the royal wedding around fifty times! xx

  45. Lana  June 10th, 2011

    I LOVE RUSSELL HOWARD X

  46. Faith Carlisle  June 11th, 2011

    haha he is hilarious. my favourite comedian. Can’t wait to go to london to see him in december :) he is ubelievably fit!

  47. RH1980  October 24th, 2011

    He is soooooooooo fit! Hopefully getting ‘Right Here Right Now’ for my b-day, I’m so excited!

  48. CameronKW  December 6th, 2011

    OMG i cannot wait till the 14th im going to go watch him at the LG arena for right here right now wooo he is soo funny and you can see gigs if your with an adult coz im only 12 aswell

  49. sophie  December 8th, 2011

    i love russell howard, i went to see his right here right now tourin feburary and hopefully getting it on dvd!

  50. iLoVeRuSsElLx  December 10th, 2011

    Lol. I’m 13 and I’m going to see him on the 14th as well xD <3

  51. MrsEdwardcullen  December 20th, 2011

    I Agree Wiv U Edward Cullen And Russell Howard Mmm Yummy

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