Without doubt a master of the one liner, throw in some crazy t-shirts and a very ‘quirky’ personality (well it appears so, not that I know him!) and you have a guy well worth watching. So here we go with a collection of very funny Milton Jones jokes, and below that some stand up vids.
- If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.
- I don’t know if you’ve ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.
- So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.
- Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don’t think so…retired mermaids.
- Incredible to think isn’t it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.
- Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.
- The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.
- I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.
- Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don’t like that.
- I’m very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, ‘how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbours’. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.
- Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, “Gday Gday how you doing no worries next”.
- About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard – after that he went downhill very quickly.
Here are some clips from his DVD called “Live Universe Tour – Part 1: Earth”. It is available to purchase from Amazon now and other good retailers.
Did you enjoy those one-liners? If so watch out for more as no doubt further releases will come from Milton in the future. In the meantime his DVD is available for sale now, perhaps even as a gift for someone you know. You can also catch him on Radio 4 and in TV appearances on things such as Mock The Week. Below is a slideshow of his releases.
Want to see Milton live on stage?
You can see the current tickets for sale on the TicketMaster website. Well worth going to see him preform.