Without doubt a master of the one liner, throw in some crazy t-shirts and a very ‘quirky’ personality (well it appears so, not that I know him!) and you have a guy well worth watching. So here we go with a collection of very funny Milton Jones jokes, and below that some stand up vids.
Milton Jones During Performance

  • If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.
  • I don’t know if you’ve ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.
  • So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.
  • Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don’t think so…retired mermaids.
  • Incredible to think isn’t it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.
  • Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.
  • The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.
  • I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.
  • Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don’t like that.
  • I’m very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, ‘how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbours’. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.
  • Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, “Gday Gday how you doing no worries next”.
  • About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard – after that he went downhill very quickly.

Here are some clips from his DVD called “Live Universe Tour – Part 1: Earth”. It is available to purchase from Amazon now and other good retailers.

Did you enjoy those one-liners? If so watch out for more as no doubt further releases will come from Milton in the future. In the meantime his DVD is available for sale now, perhaps even as a gift for someone you know. You can also catch him on Radio 4 and in TV appearances on things such as Mock The Week.

Want to see Milton live on stage?

You can see the current tickets for sale on the TicketMaster website. Well worth going to see him preform.