Funny Michael McIntyre Jokes & Videos

Michael McIntyre is a massively popular UK stand-up comedian, he has some great jokes, funny stories, silly floppy hair and can do a scarily good high pitch voice.

Michael McIntyreHe has a couple of highly rated stand-up DVDs out including Live & Laughing 2008 and Hello Wembley 2009, well worth buying or borrowing from a mate to watch (and not just once!).

Quotes and video of him doing stand-up:

  • Normally you have news, weather and travel…..but not on snow day, on snow day news is weather is travel. Talking about the heavy snow in Britain.
  • They had to ask spain I think, they’ve had to say to Spain, can you lend us some stuff for the roads, and it’s Gordon Brown phoning up going ‘pass the salt’ (says in deep voice)

  • So you’re mother? Nice to put a name to a face. Talking about when a baby girl is born
  • I’m glad Carol Vorderman has left Countdown, I mean it’s not like she did much. She was effectively just an autistic shelf-stacker.
  • You have to come up with this shit every year. Last week I just wrote ‘I still love you, see last years card for full details’ Talking about Valentines Day
  • My wife and I both made a list of 5 people we could sleep with…she read hers out and there were no surprises…1 George Clooney…2 Brad Pitt etc…I thought ‘Ive got the better deal here’…1 Your sister
  • I’ve got a little baby, I made him…He doesn’t speak, he’s 2…He’s a slow learner, he’s only got 2 words…car and map…I’m slightly worried he’s trying to escape. If his next word is passport we are in serious trouble!
  • All we really require is 1 drawer, that is all men want, 1 drawer, this is not a drawer we will pick out early. A drawer will become available, we will tentatively enquire as to it’s usage, “darling this drawer here, can I have this drawer for me?”..Yes I think you can…good this will be my man drawer!!

Here are some clips of him from YouTube, enjoy.

He’s a very funny guy so lets hope there is lots more quality new material from him over the coming years. Want to see more? If you want to watch his full stand up routines worth seeing him live or buying one of his popular DVDs, including Live & Laughing 2008 or Hello Wembley 2009 available from all good retailers of course! Here is a carousel of various releases of his.

Want to watch Michael live?

You can see his current available tour dates on the Ticketmaster website. Well worth watching live.


Post first published 16 February 2009.
AvatarAbout Author: Chris. I am a full-time writer, blogging on a variety of websites. I love comedy and enjoy posting about it every week.

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30 Comments - Add Yours!
  1. Aliceee  March 4th, 2009

    haaaaaa my favourite fucking funny !!

  2. Pops!!!  May 12th, 2009

    WHOO! MY FAVOURITE COMEDIAN EVER!!!

  3. jackson hammerfield  June 4th, 2009

    fuinny s*** i wish michael would come to my area

  4. Lily  August 21st, 2009

    I bloody love michael! He’s sooooo funny and posh! love you michael!
    x

  5. David  August 22nd, 2009

    Excellent comedy!

  6. Chrissieparker  September 21st, 2009

    I was standing behind a man in Starbucks the other day, he was ordering ‘a tall, skinny black Americano’ I said “what are you ordering, coffee or a President?” – from his Off the Kerb ‘seagull gig’ at Bristol Hippdrome

  7. Sam  October 28th, 2009

    lol i went to see him earlier tonight on the first of his Newcastle gigs and he was awesome! every one of his jokes were funny. i was laughing so hard. there were t-shirts for sale with his quotes on them. they were: i am utterly car-parked; i’m absolutely gazeboed; skipping is magnificent; i have a man-drawer; and laugh snort snot sneeze. lolz

  8. npfiii  October 30th, 2009

    They’re not *his* jokes.

    He has a team of writers how script them for him.

  9. aaran  December 25th, 2009

    I love Michael Mcintyre, I wish I could be him.

  10. Chris (Admin)  January 11th, 2010

    We’ve just updated this page, now with 3 videos and information about his DVD releases. Enjoy my funny little babushka friends!

  11. Bella  January 12th, 2010

    Ha ha, love Michael! I have hello wembley, it was soooooo funnnnyyyyyyy

  12. Kat  June 26th, 2010

    Well,
    I’d like to see the script writerss tell the jokes as good as him.

    Michael is HILARIOUS!

  13. Em  October 3rd, 2010

    Micheal Mcintyre you funny funny Man. His Quotes and Jokes just stick in my head aha Goin to see him at Book signing this Month carn’t wait :) !!!

  14. joel  October 11th, 2010

    i like it when he talks to the audience

  15. Claireeee  October 29th, 2010

    I went to his book singing, such a nice guy :) His book is amazing !

  16. joel  November 6th, 2010

    heeeeelllloooo wembley!!!

  17. Rebekahmay Lousia Annalicia  December 10th, 2010

    Michale is so funny! I went to see a few of his shows! They were all very funny! I have got his Autograph, it is in my Autograph book on which i hold many other Autographs such as mcfly, Taylor Lautner and Jhonny Depp! I do so hope to see his him if a new show is due!
    P.S – The name shown above is my Genuine name!

  18. Rebekahmay Lousia Annalicia  December 12th, 2010

    I don’t think he dose have script writers, otherwise he wouldn’t be a stand-up comedian (The ones who think of jokes on the spot)

  19. sharpo  February 2nd, 2011

    he doesnt have a team of writers like npfiii said, he creates them all himself, he’s always busy

  20. Keir  February 20th, 2011

    hes not funny and he doesnt hav scrip writers if he does tehre really bad ones cos they would just tell him to go on stage wave his hair about scip and shout. next time u watch him insted of just laffing cos everyone else is think about the joke its not really funny is it?

  21. emily  February 21st, 2011

    i absolutely love michael mcintyre

    his jokes are not offensive or rude so he is sutiable for all the family…

    My fave comedian by far !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    love you Michael!!!!!!!!!1

  22. Hannahhh  March 6th, 2011

    He is my favourite comedian, cos not only is he hilarious he is sososo camp and posh which i find very sexy ;D

  23. Sarah  April 6th, 2011

    I love Michael he is soo funny, he has me in stiches everytime i see him. His face says it all lol. I really want to go and see him on his 2012 tour!!! Love you Michael!!!! =] xx

  24. Sarah  April 6th, 2011

    Rebekahmay Lousia Annalicia – OMG you are sooo lucky!!!!!!!!!! x

  25. jack king  April 16th, 2011

    michael is sooo funny he is fully of joy and makes people laugh a lot

  26. jack king  April 19th, 2011

    i like the gym joke as it makes me laugh soo much I start to get tears in my eyes

  27. READEY  April 30th, 2011

    sick as fuck

  28. lauren  June 1st, 2011

    Keir
    Actually his jokes are funny and I don’t pay attention to the audience laughing I listen to him and I laugh when he says something funny not when the audience laugh and I’m sure a lot of other people are the same. Plus the audience wouldn’t be laughing unless he made them

    Michael McIntyre love you !!!!! xx

  29. Kelly  June 5th, 2011

    i love the last joke and the first joke they made me litrally ROFL :) your so funny , but on brits got talent your EVEN better haaha

  30. Joanna  June 19th, 2011

    michael you are hilarious!!! could watch you all day!!!

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